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Pamela Lim
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Monday, May 31, 2010, 9:35 PM
I cannot help but keep complaining and ranting that I'm bored at home. I'm seriously bored to the max. Since there's nothing much I can do at home, nothing much I can eat. Appetite lost too. I wants to go out. But I believe people refuses to date me out for 2 reasons. One is that I'm still sick, yet to fully recovered. Two, I need to save, I've been overspending for the past months.
Well, someone didn't make it to his words. Even till now, I haven't watch movies with him yet. Sigh. Pamela, you just have to get over this guy, and wait for your Mr Right. Perhaps, it's better to be single, till the day, someone who would really loves me appears. Because, being one sided is really tough. Seriously, I wish to know what's on his mind, when we were put together verbally.
It's just a few days away. I'll wait for you, to see, if there were to be any changes.
4:11 PM
我做错了什么事，我可以改。但，你可不可以不要不理我。
我做错了什么，跟我说吗。
可能，你不是我在寻找的。
不过，你给了我不少的美丽回忆。
Went to doctor just now in the morning at amk rmg.
I walk into the clinic, I was hoping for someone to cure me.
But I stepped out of the clinic, thinking I'm going to die.
The doctor was old, she was slow.
After examination, she told me, the only medication she could give was the one previous doctor gave. I said, but eat already still pain. She replied, that's the only medication she can give. So? If that medication doesn't cure my pain, I'm going to die? Seriously, what the fuck?
Chris sms-ed me last night. Asking me about work etc. I had a tough time, wether to tell him I've already made up my mind to stay. He took lots of effort and hassle, in asking me to leave, suggesting places for me to go. But till the end, I kind of let him down. I told him, give me 3 months to determine if there's still hope to stay on. He said that he understands my situation and wishes me all the best. I know he's cursing and swearing at me. But I really had no strength to go on with him ytrday night. I don't know why, after telling him everything, and he wishes me all the best, I teared. I seriously teared, maybe even cry, I don't know. I know he very 'gek xim'. Sorry Chris.
Everything was going smoothly. Didi, work, all went smoothly. But suddenly, it seems to have a boat overturned. Everything overturned, 180 degrees flipped.
Sigh.
Sunday, May 30, 2010, 3:25 PM
After much struggle, I've decided, I would stay. Yes, I'll trust danny, till the day if there would be anything that happens, only then, I'll move on.But I've yet to tell chef yet, they haven't really approached me yet. When they ask I'll just agree lor. But that's when joshua tenders his resignation. Hopefully he does so soon.
Well, went shopping last 2 days. Despite me for not feeling well. Friday, I bought a pants, I love it ttm. It was size 36 though, a little tight, but after wash it'll be loose. Yeah! One size smaller again. My weight flactuates, but on a whole, it's still going down. Then, when I was trying on my pants, mum stared at me. I asked her if she's staring at me or at my pants. She said, 'I don't know what to do with your old pants sia.' Is like seriously, I have many many clothes at home now that can't be worn, tops still okay, is the bottoms. My jeans skirts, all cannot wear sia, all will drop, wear belt also very ugly leh. Pants also all can drop, wear belt also ugly alr.
So I end up buying new clothes, so no money. Then I bought sandals again, yes, again. I wanted to buy pumps, end up buying sandals. I can't fit in my pumps or those pump heels anymore. All gone loose, I simply can't walk in them.
See there's so many things I need to change and have a turn over, yet I need to save money! How?!
I'm always the one teaching people how to save money. You're the first to teach me how to save.
Friday, May 28, 2010, 2:38 AM
Tust, Confidence, Faith
How would you people feel like when people's trust, faith, confidence in you, overflows?Seriously at the rate it's going, I rather no one trust me, have that much of confidence in me, like see-rai-ous-ly. I'm a silly girl. I don't know how strong am I, till I need people to tell me so. I never knew I was that good, that someone would actually wants me to stay with him, and he wants me to be his main support for maintaining standard. Why does he trust me so much? When I've not worked with him before. I asked, he said through his observation on me, and his sixth sense. Am I that good?
I've never wanted to be the best of the best, neither even the best. All I ever thought of, was to learn, to work and make a career out of it.
Some others told me, I deserve a better place than here. I should go look for a job when possible and not stay. But due to the facts that I would to be considering, I can't stop working. I'm not financially stable. And the fact that I'm inexperience to start of with a cook2 in other hotels.
Do understand that I should take every comments with a pinch of salt, and I need to take things easy and think properly since I've still got a month to go. Nobody understands me, I plan my future ahead. Before I end a phase, I have to have my next phase ready for me. I don't have much time to waste-though I don't know where I'm rushing to.
I believe he can change and make things turn-around. I ever thought of staying and making a difference. But I didn't have the experience to carry out. Now I've got someone with experience, who can make a difference, and me, I'm able to support and influence the attitude of people. Should we go ahead with it?
3 months, would he leave me alone behind? I'm really afraid. Would there be someone who picks me up along the way and bring me to a better world? I don't know.
Can God tell me, am I that good that people wants me, or it's just physco? Please answer my prayers.
I really think until I want to cry already. So badly. I know I should stop rushing myself, I still have time. If I were to let loose of myself, I will never come to a conclusion after I graduate.
Can this guy be trusted?
:'(
Tuesday, May 25, 2010, 10:00 PM
What more can I not love about this kitchen?I had such a great time today in the kitchen. I don't know why, I just felt the bonding there. People are all so fun, cute, nice. I'm almost like a clown now in the kitchen. I maybe abit irritating la, but it's been long since I was able to make a group of people laugh out loud. Now I know, the fun of being a clown, to see people laugh.
I don't know, should I be puzzled or happy that people trust me. As you know, when I was in cold kitchen, all of them trusted me so much, they never doubt me at all. I can feel the trust, faith, confidence they have in me. Then now, I at main kitchen, yes they still treats me like a trainee, but the trust they give, ultimately makes me confident.
My chef could easily ask me to sharpen his knife for him. And he didn't test the sharpnest at all. How many of a chef would do that? Though he seems nonchalent and cool about knives, his work. But when I see how he treats me and other trainees, he boost that little confident.
He had to teach the other trainee, on how to trim a carrot properly, before cutting them into the almost-same size. But for me, they just cut a sample, put on my chopping board give me. You see the difference?
I'm so in love with these people! Especially, 乃爸！
Sunday, May 23, 2010, 10:50 PM
I don't know what to say, but I'm really really touched. I'm really greatful of who I've met so far. They knew, I could go further, a better place than this. When I said I'm finding job, they knew I'm going in there for an interview, they calls them up. He knows I'm troubling to find a job, he finds me options, gives me faith, confidence. He's really the best out of the best.He wanted to pull me in, but in the end, there was an overflow of staff at his place. His head brought alot people in, hence I've got no chance.
Really love him to bits lah. It's like he annoys alot people. Alot people dislike him. But then, he's so adorable can. He does irritates me, but still he treats me real nice. He guides me through many things. Thought me many things.
I don't know why, but I'll believe what he says. I wanted to follow him, but still. I don't know what more to say. I'll call up the previous chef, ask him if he's hiring people. Well, whatever it takes, wherever can bring me to a further place, I'm willing to try.
Never someone like him, could bring up my confidence that high.
Don't misunderstand, he ain't my boyfriend. He's just someone special.
Saturday, May 22, 2010, 12:52 AM
I was in that bad a condition, that i felt like messaging you, asking if I can wait for you to travel together, I don't wanna be left alone, because I know how i can fuck myself till i can go crazy. Till the end, I didn't. You seems happy today, I don't wanna dumpen your spirit.I did ask melody, she and cheryl wanted to wait. Then again, they had wonderful gp dinner, I don't want my black face to spoil their mood.
In the end, I came home alone, bought mac, I just felt like eating.
I hope there's someone who can hold my hands and walk me through such things. Because, even myself, I'm tired of how I'm torturing myself mentally. I think I'm mentally sick, perhaps.
On a happier note, I got programmes lined up for me the next week. Thurs, likely to have 'farewell' dinner for danny. He's last day. Then Fri prolly meeting up with jiayi and co, maybe for ice cream or so. Sat meeting AiAi saliza. Like finally, I suppose I haven't met her for about 3 years? it was ever since collection of Os results till date. Then Sun would be family dinner.
I messaged him on facebook. But there isn't seems to be a reply. I apologised for being bo chup when he actually greeted me when I was upstairs. I really wasn't on purpose today. It's just that my mood was so foul today. I'm sorry, really sorry.
12:29 AM
I screwed up at work today.It was an important function for our kitchen tomorrow. The white asparagus are expensive and limited. What the fuck did I do, by not even being able to peel them clean, sucha easy job? What was wrong with me, where's my quality standard I always have for myself? End up, chefs weren't happy, all needs to be re-peeled once again.
And why the fuck was I being smart-alec to tell people, 'oh chef didn't peeled it so high up' when it's meant to? And people starts to push to blame all to another person. I'm at fault. Why didn't they just scream and yell at me? Chef Kenny nagged, Kelvin nagged. But in the end, chef kenny taught me about the logic behind blanching things and running through cold water, etc. I feel real bad! Everytime I screw things up, they would just double the job for me. Then just nag and that's it. Then tell me, it's okay, it's a lesson learnt.
Well, usual me, when I've done something wrong and I knew I was at fault, I would stop myself from finding fault on others, and fuck myself real hard in the mind. I'm upset. Believe they could tell. When I'm upset with my performance at work, I keep quiet, do things, and wouldn't smile no matter how hard you try, maybe I would, but it'll look real fake.
Yes, I'm petty. Still harping on the issue of asparagus despite it happened like 4-5hours ago at work, and now almost bed time.
Incidents like this, would not be forgotten. It'll be remembered so I wouldn't make the same mistake again. I'm sorry, I was I fault. I didn't apologised to chef, cos I think there's no point of me apologising since the last thing he would want had already happened.
He trusted me already, yet I let him down. Then again, I need to work harder to regain his faith in me, my work. It's not so easy. I know I have to push myself further. I wasn't in the best performance, I know I could do it better.
Thursday, May 20, 2010, 11:15 PM
My right hand is kind of injured. It hurts. Probably due to improper positioning of my thumb when carrying the 60 litres of water to pour into stockpot. Well, I was mad last night for no reason. I was out of my mind, I know. So I decided, I see him today, I won't talk to him. Normally yes, when I go crazy, I'm this mad. So when I goes into cold kitchen, I didn't give him the eye contact like how i usually would. I didn't talk to him either. But end up, he called my name, and talked to me! But I didn't really bother about him though.
如果有哪么的一点点感觉， 说出来吧。
爱真的需要勇气。
不要说我想太多，他可能会有点动心。我希望入池。
Wednesday, May 19, 2010, 11:06 PM
I am so not myself today.I asked questions at work, that can easily piss anyone off. I asked from the start of my work, 'today what day?' , 'today what date?' till when I finish work, I'm still asking the same question.
Then, after lunch, kelvin gave me several things to do. He told me to peel the asparagus after I'm done with the potatoes. Just minutes away, when I'm finished with the potatoes, I asked, what did you told me to do after the potatoes?
Next incident, I told him that we didn't have enough mushrooms for the mushroom soup for the day after tomorrow's SOD, which means we've got to cook it tomorrow. Then he sliced onions and asked me to wrap and keep it. And I asked so loudly, 'Mushroom soup? When's mushroom soup?' The next moment I saw the way he looked at me, I was like, 'shit, did I just asked when's mushroom soup?'.
I was seriously not myself at work, body was there, but heart and soul was elsewhere.
After dinner with melody, went raffles city and saw rendy and redza there. Then chat abit. Half way through, redza commented pointing to rendy, 'if chef william see you here with pam ah, he'll say again. Rmb what he says in kitchen?' then they 'laugh'.
What exactly happened? I very confused leh, I not downstairs, then suddenly I am being pulled into the picture, yet I know nothing at all.
So what if I have feelings for ernest, I don't deny, but how would they know? Only, sue, melody and peishan knows about it.
I couldn't take it anymore, I sms-ed him. I asked him what's going on at ck, how come suddenly they keep teasing us together. All his replied was was 'don't know'. Easy answer yea? I chose to believe in whatever he said. However, this time wrong, I strongly doubt his words. Maybe yes, it's because the answer he gave wasn't what I was looking for. But if you've all along been downstairs, and they've been teasing so openly about it, why wouldn't you know?
I know they're just teasing. And I'm taking things too tense up and too seriously. I don't know what to do, seriously. Because all I wished, was that whatever they say comes true.
Are you just purely innocent or you just want to keep quiet about it?
I'll wait, till the day you tell me you know something.
I told papa loy that I failed my interview with ritz. Nothing to be ashamed of though. Everyone's telling me the same thing. Asking to write in, and try again. I've got no strength to go on. Because, I know, I have yet to acquire what I have to.
And a cook 1 can cook pasta, and runs it under running water?
And and, seriously, people who smokes, stinks. sorry no offence, but i truely think they stinks right after a puff.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010, 12:04 PM
Seldom a chance that I'm off for two days, and I would stay at home. Usually I'll go out to meet friends, even if it were to be back at workplace. I just dread staying at home.I don't know what's up with me these two days, I practically camped at home. Only went out once, which was yesterday noon to buy my brunch. And for the two days, all I did at home was to stalk the computer, sleep, and eat. Totally like a pig. Perhaps it was because of me trying to save. And someone gave me an idea of just staying home and not to go and meet friends, hence me locking myself up. I spent less than $10 in this 2 days. :D Good achievement though.
I'll be let out of the cage today. I've got to go back to work. The two days was like four days, considering the hours and times I got on and off bed.
After two days of isolation, mind is still as full. Burden had yet to be unloaded. People have not got back to me with regards to his workplace, I asked him to pull me in. And the thoughts of using the two days to ask him, so that by the time I go back to work, awkwardness would be greatly reduced. Still, I failed to do so.
I kept saying that I want to go swimming, yesterday and today. Till the end, I didn't make it happen. The weather's like so hot, making me relactant. Furthermore due to my two very slack days, makes me even more lazy.
Well, I can't wait to go back to work though. Because I miss someone already. Bah!
Sigh, he should be going on leave soon. Real long leave, approximately 12 days I guess. Sigh.
Thinking of travelling after attachment, but would I be able to save up enough? It's only like one and a half month away. I've yet to save any. How to travel? I can take loan, but also need pay back.
Sis was suggesting bintan/batam. I was thinking of Vietnam though. Hongkong/Taiwan/Japan are places that I wouldn't be able to go now... Due to financial support.
We shall see how things go again then.
Bye!
Monday, May 17, 2010, 10:19 PM
Sheesh...Everytime I go to his profile page having the thought of sending him a message, I automatically click back to my homepage.
Everytime I pick up my phone and goes to the thread of our sms-es, I exit messages.
I've got no courage to ask at all! What's happening to me?!
Whenever I face problems of such, I would turned to friends and ask them what should I do, what step to take next. But this time round, I tell myself, we're all grown ups, I shouldn't be getting others involved in our problem, or perhaps just my problem. I should solve them myself since it's personal right?
I've got that question in my mind for days and days. But I haven't ask. I daren't ask. I don't know why, I'm afraid I'll be awkward leh. Somemore he haven't come up to main kitchen.
It's alright, he's coming up soon. Hopefully there'll be more quality time than quantity time.
Even Saturday when walking to mrt with him and luqman. I didn't talk much, neither did he talk much to me. Much more of the time is just him and luqman chatting. But I enjoyed his pressence.
And one thing I've realised about him. He doesn't allow me to look at his credit cards nor receipt. Everytime I tried to look at them, he takes them away. humph. The only card he allowed me to see previously was his IC, student pass, and staff id. -.-
Sunday, May 16, 2010, 10:03 PM
Now, I wish for an iPhone too. :( 2:22 AM
I just wish I could be a 小女人, to be taken care, to be pampered.I don't want to be that strong girl, with such strong front.
Turn me weak, turn me jellied.
I wish to be surprised and melted with gifts.
Showered with unconditioned love.
One day of all these things would satisfy me loads.
But if I get such enjoyment for a day, I would expect to have it for the rest of my life.
He melts me.
Saturday, May 15, 2010, 11:56 AM
Remember me mentioning about chef william teasing in the previous post?It's kinda of getting more awkward now leh.
Thursday when we're out for outsid catering, when we're more free, taking rest, Chef W was teasing again. First was only me. Then later on when ernest came in, infront the 2 of us, he teased me and him together. It was like omg. I didn't dare to look at him. Because I felt paiseh. But these teasing didn't stopped him from avoiding me (due to awkwardness) or helping me. We still chat, he still helped me when we close buffet.
Then when I was helping out at cold kitchen for the sandwich making, chef teased me like crazy again. Even jen also. Suddenly say until what my boyfriend off ah, blah blah blah. I was like, since when I got boyfriend I also don't know. Then later Jen say, who is your boyfriend we all know. I was like 'huh?' Since when sia? Then chef started saying things like, 'ernest 的人不错啦， 只是有点blur，喜欢被我骂而已。' Again, it created another question-mark again.
I know I should have take it easy, but I just can't help it but think of it. There's 2 possibilities though. Only two I guess.
1. Because I had been giving him things last time, though through melody, but they would still be able to tell. On another hand, I stopped giving him things for a long long time already. If because I give him things, they want say, long time would have said already, wouldn't have wait until now.
2. (Let's take this easy) He likes me as well, and I got no idea what he did downstairs, till suddenly they put me and him together as one. (But like seriously, how much I wish this is true.)
So there's only 2 cases scenario. So which is the one? I don't know.
I feel so like asking him. 'eh, since when I have you as my boyfriend I also don't know?'
Can someone whack me and let me stop thinking?! Everyday like that ah, I think also think until crazy.
If number 2 is true, all I have to do is wait, till the day he have the courage lor.
SIGH!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010, 10:16 PM
I felt abit awkward. I don't know how he felt.Just now this morning, I went down cold kitchen to get 1 lemon. I asked joshua, joshua asked me to help myself. Then chef william was next to me. He said, 'go ask ernest take give you.' I just kept quiet, walked towards the chiller, then chef william said, 'eh ernest, pamela want lemon, take for her lehs.' I think by then I face red liao, but trying to keep my cool. Then Auntie alice say she has one there and she gave it to me.
Why suddenly Chef William tease me and him sia?
Last time before I leave CK he teased me before, but never say until so obvious. Now is totally..... So?
I feels something went somewhere. If not, not out of the sudden, he will mention like that one leh. Problem with my side or his?
Aiyo.
Sunday, May 9, 2010, 11:25 PM
Remember, I don't ever treats you as a spare tyre. I always thinks of you. Just that I don't know what to talk to you about.
I've trusted you for years, so now I need advice again.
Hence I look up for you.
Hope you don't mind.
Saturday, May 8, 2010, 11:23 PM
You said you yourself ain't sure what kind of girl you like. So what if before you know what kind of girl is your cup of tea, someone comes to you and say, 'I've been having feelings for you for quite a period of time, is it possible between the both of us to be beyond normal friends?'
What would be your say?
11:08 PM
It seems like I've been rather angsty/emotional these days. Don't ask me why, but it just happens for reason.Sometimes these days, I wished to be left alone. Completely alone. Hoping to be coped at home, no one called me, and I just stares at the computer screen, doing nothing, keep refreshing facebook homepage, hoping to see new things happening.
And guess what, I was so into taiwanese dramas when I was much younger. Till now, I suppose I hate it to the core. Probably too much of it when I was young, and I always think that falling in love is just like how it's situated in the drama. I simply stereotyped the whole scenario from the drama. But now, realizing that drama would always just be drama. I dislike dramas now. Because scenes, things said, actions done, would never come to reality.
People around me, getting attached. Found their soulmates. But me, yes, I'm still young, more chances to come. Sigh.
I can't help but still admire this 'korkor' of mine. I still finds him attractive. And I like it when we could bicker. Somemore he winked at me twice today, my heart skipped a beat. He's just so likeable. But the fact that he _____ with my friend before, gives me a bearer to get closer to him. Of which, he gives me the mindset that he's a wolf under it's fur.
Supposely I'm crazy, I can be admiring so many people now. Even I'm not sure if the person I like is him. Because, I think I'm just so obsessive wanting a boyfriend, I like whoever I see. Sounds despo. And I can't believe I admire someone who just got married!
But then, again. Admire does not equals to love/like.
And this young guy at work. He's cute. haha!
Why issit that everytime we go dining, when we're in three. I'll be sitting next to the guy one? As in me, one more girl and the guy (the young guy at work and ernest). I'm always sitting next to them. Not opposite lehs. Why? Any meaning to it?
Friday, May 7, 2010, 11:58 PM
I've never met someone with such similarities before.I'm glad I met one now. Which I think he could probably likely to understands me for who I am. However, there are sayings that similarities repel and differences attracts. So I believe, we two are of similar kinds, hence not much of a 'future' we might have.
Well, we both came from a single parented family. However, for his family, he's still in contact with his dad, and do goes over his dad's place for sleepover from time to time. Just found out that he's in the same dialect group as me! Sadly, he doesn't speaks nor understands. Worst than me, at least if I want to, I still can speak and understand, if not hokkien I also not bad. Haha! There isn't a need to say, we share the same surname, we're in the same field of career.
And after a few times of dining out with him and other friends, I think that he is sweet tooth. Sweet things, confirm can eat one. Especially things like Ice-creams, fondue, sweets, jelly, etc. Very very similar lor! I also say ok to cold sweet desserts even if I'm full ttm. I can't remember when was the last time I rejected cold desserts.
And now with my new habit of munching before bedtime. It's like a 'sure' routine that I would feel hungry or mouth itchy before I sleep. Btw, although I munch everyday, I still lose weight okay! That day he mentioned too, he also need to bite things before bedtime de. So yea.
He does sports. I do too. But now very seldom. But the only sports I do would be swimming and cycling only. But all no stamina already.
I'm pretty sure, there are many things we can do together. However, I choose to believe: Like poles repel and different poles attract.
Let God do the job. I shall just be a good girl and stay where I am. Because, I believe God would send him to me, and I need not find. *Not really religious, but ya...*
Goodnight!
-blogging via mobile
Thursday, May 6, 2010, 10:25 PM
我遇见贵人了吗？我一个人找工作， 好像全世界在找工。
今天，当Papa Loy知道说我要去 Ritz-Carlton 面试的时候。
他立刻拿起手机。打给了 Ritz Carlton 的厨师。
跟他说， “这女孩很好，一定要拿她。给她一个高点的职位。”
上一星期 Chef Frankie 也有打给他。
我很感激这些想把我“买”出去的人。
可是，我会有压力。
他们一个两个，把我说的那么好。
但，我没有哪么伟大啦！
可能我会是好，也比别人好一点点而已。
我还是会有我的缺点。
那如果我真的成功进了，我做不到他们所说的，哪这么办呢？
我对自己不够信心吗？
我也真的愚见贵人了。我很感激。
Saturday, May 1, 2010, 9:15 PM
我累了。工作，爱情。
我不知如何这么办好。为什么好像事事不顺。感觉好焖啊！
心好烦！