♥ Numb Escape ♥
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Pamela Lim
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Wednesday, April 28, 2010, 11:01 PM
Heart's feeling a little heavy. In an hour time, it's someone's birthday. Oh well, I've gotten over, but just what's making my heart feel heavy? 18 years old, 19 years old.
Entering the next phase of life I guess. This 2 years, thoughts of giving up my career life keeps churning in my mind. Kept having thoughts of getting just a job and not a career. Then sometime soon, just find a man and settle down and be a homemaker. Now, I envy homemakers.
Or perhaps, climbing up for a career is not easy, as for what I see for myself in the workforce now. I'm in the box now, experiencing everything in it. No longer viewing what's going on in the box. Life's different. Things are different now, hence the quote, saying is easier than action. Totally agreed.
Yes, I have the thoughts of giving up this career I'm heading towards. But I wouldn't, my determination tells me so. I believe I can have both a career and a family, that's when I've learnt how to organise. Let me climb in my career.
Though now is like not I choosing guy, but more like guys to choose me and that I've got no choice. However, even if the whole forest catches fire, leaving only one tree, I could still live without it. I could have my choice too.
My guy have to accept me for who I am. Respect me for my career mind. I would give in at times when there's a need to, to maintain the relationship. But if I would to be busy and have to time off, he needs to understand.
A guy who's in the same line as me would understand? I doubt that my soulmate would be in the same nature of work as me. Simple reason behind, I'm always strong in my stand, and many other chefs would be. So how do we go about with a rock banging on a rock? And I'm that kind of person, when comes to work, I'm quite domineering.
I want a guy, whom I can take care, and he could also care for me. In other words, he needs to be my pillar in life. He needs to be one. Because, he'll be the one I rely on, to motivate myself to work, to move on in life, to have hopes and faith in life.
Insearch of my pillar in life.
10:39 PM
Otaku
Otaku = 宅男I've got no idea, but to what I realised.
The guys I like/ I've liked, are otaku.
I think 'otaku' sounds rather cute to me lehs. It derives from a japanese word or something like that. But sure it sounds cute to me.
So I'm in love with an otaku?
Monday, April 26, 2010, 11:29 PM
I miss those times we had.I enjoyed every single moments we had.
I enjoyed being taken care of.
I enjoyed being treated like a girl.
I enjoyed seeing you getting irritated.
I enjoyed being able to see you so closely.
I enjoyed being sent home, though it seems forced.
I enjoyed taking train and offered sweets- but I turned down sweets.
I enjoyed looking silly take 2 1L bottle and goes into the canteen to fill with coke.
I enjoyed grumbling to you.
I enjoyed asking you out.
I enjoyed chatting with you.
I enjoyed sitting next/opposite you during meal.
I enjoyed seeing you eating your fill.
I enjoyed looking at your sleepy face.
I enjoyed when you uses the word 'we'.
I enjoyed when you message me automatically.
I enjoyed the morning smiles with a sleepy look on your face.
I enjoyed being greeted by you in the morning.
I enjoyed being questioned with questions that showed you cared.
I enjoyed all the smses that I had bothered you with.
I enjoyed every single moment I spent with you.
But when would I have the courage to say 'I Love You'?
1:15 AM
Nothing to do, hence, update my blog alittle.Friday planned to go kino for some book reading. However, I ended late, and suddenly alot people met up. Kino cancelled, went for dinner. The rest went home. Trained to amk with danny, ernest and melody. Went Kbox with melody and her friend. Didn't go home that night. Slept over at Mel's place. Woke up at 9+ in the morning. Was fucking tired I swear. Went over to amkhub to buy somethings, and came home to bake cookies.
Sat, Dinner at Oscar's to celebrate sis's belated birthday. After that supposedly to go clubbing/ pubbing. End up, he said he's tired, ask me if there's chance for another time. Definately there will be, but I'm just tired of asking. Cock ups here and there, and no more drinking sessions that night. So end up, head to amkhub for movies with sis. Watched Ice-Kachang Puppy Love. Amkhub was like a maze that night, had difficulties making our way up to the cinema.
Came home at 3+ in the morning. Slept all the way till 2+pm this noon. Then I spent almost the whole day sleeping. Went out for dinner, back home to do some of my things. And here I am blogging.
I wants to be the fighting fish. I wants to be strong, to protect you. I'm afraid of you getting hurt. I wants to be the one who can makes you happy. I want to be the one you turned to when you face problems. I'll not miss that chance to tell you I like you. Even if we can't be together, I just wants you to know, at least there'll be this someone, who liked and loved you once, and truely cared from the bottom of my heart. And all I need is 'Courage'
Ijustwannaloveyouopenlyforonce, andwantsyoutolovemeonce.
Monday, April 19, 2010, 11:07 AM
I don't know where I should head to. It's a crossroad that I'm meeting this time.I have a few choices.
1. I stay in Conrad, request for cold kitchen. Learn everything there, the functions etc. Then at least I have a base of cold kitchen that I can do things fast and accurate. Although Conrad's cold kitchen is nothing, but least of all, they still involves salads right? Then make use of this one year WDA as a stepping stone. after a year or so, I'll find another place for a position in garde manger. Not sure if I'm kinda of wasting time in conrad's garde manger, 'cos here the ck, also abit cannot make it.
2. I find another hotel's garde manger and apply for a cook 3. The reason is, because I don't have much experience in cold kitchen, it was barely that 3 months. And I won't be eligible to be a cook 2 in garde manger. Although I have the basics of culinary, but not in the field of garde manger, there more for me to learn.
3. I go join my ex-colleague at MOF production kitchen. I use that as a chance to see and learn. But if I were to be there, I won't go in that line of production. Because I know, ultimately I wants to be in garde manger.
So how? I don't know which one to go!
Sunday, April 18, 2010, 10:36 PM
What's the problem that lies within?Have I been too tired or what? Why last time I work long hours in cold kitchen, I forever can go on and on. But no longer that stamina when I'm up at main kitchen. Why is that so? Could it be the environment that main kitchen is hot and cold kitchen is cold, hence the saving of energy in cold kitchen is more? I got no idea.
And due to my tiredness last night, I had a very good dream this morning. It is always the case that I don't get to sleep more, I have good dreams. When I get to sleep in, I don't have wonderful dreams. Or perhaps, I was just desperate.
I dreamt that I was brought to this frog (tian ji) farm by this guy - who's my bf in the dream. I didn't know where he was bringing me to. Till I entered a cage-like place, big one, maybe like bird park. There where those ugly disguisting frogs jumping all around. Some where jumping near my legs, some attempted to jump on my back. *by then, my handphone alarms are ringing like crazy* I flew up at my bf in the dream. I was dead mad, because people would know how much I detest those frog. I don't even eat frog leg, despite the fact that I've tried them and they were good. But I just don't eat. Then we where out of that place.
We were in this convinent store that looks like 7-11. He told me he wanted to eat something, trying to 'sa jiao' to me, because he wants me to eat together with him or something like that. So I bought it. As usual, after pay money, we choose the smaller piece (I always do that in real life), he fought with me, but he still got it. In the dream, I saw him kissing my forehead. Heard him saying 'ily'. Felt his body, held his hands.
Then when we finish eating going wait for cab. I saw ernest with a guy and a girl. The girl got into a cab alone. Then he and his friend continued to walk down the road. Then while me and the guy, was gonna kiss, I woke up with my phone ringing.
This guy has almost the same height as me. Maybe slightly taller. Medium in built, not say skinny, got abit muscles one.
Back to life. Everytime I dream of a bf in my dreams, I'll nv be able to see his face. But only able to hear and feel him. Hear someone speaks, but no idea who is it, and the voice can't be regconised.
Maybe I'm just too desperate.
I used to tell myself that I don't need a man to live. I don't want to get married. I just have to love myself.
But now, I yearned to be loved. A man for my to rely on. I want to have a family. I want to love my husband and my kids.
That's growing up.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010, 11:57 PM
Life's as usual. I'm out of spice room already. Attached to western section. So far so good, but I'm kinda lost. Because kitchen past 2 days was quite upside down, due to the spanish promo.I've learnt something new today. Because I stayed and the chef was doing mise en place. I went to kpo, see him do. Then before leaving the hotel, went oscar's to kpo again. See them do the things. Then chef Ferando let us try the products. They were great! Apparently they're almost all cold items, hence i like them. Lol. But intresting la. If I never go kpo, go try, I'll never know that molecular gastronomic exsist!
I'm starting to feel paranoid somehow. I asked him for macs breakfast this morning last night. He rejected, he said he was tired wanting to sleep in. But when I reached home, 11+ 12, he was still online! Fine, I believe his words. This morning see me, still greet me good morning.
I start to dislike people telling me that he leaves with jennifer. It's because they're working so closely, they're always together. And even breakfast, they work 7-11 for few days, he still join her for breakfast! End work, I can never get hold of him. However, they're always together after their work. I understand that they're just like sister and brother. But why is there the sourness in me? I feels really sour.
I just know, I'm beginning to turn paranoid.
And it's time to get over. Every man out there, is just a dream. They'll never come true. I just don't have the life, to be loved for once, by a man. There's no man in my life. Even brother and dad are gone.
Sigh.
Born not to love, born not to be loved - by man.
12:09 AM
I know it's all a lie, however, I chose to believe - you.Don't push me away. If there's a need, let me know the reason. I'm having a hard time all over again. But it's just me, me and only me. My problems would never involve others. It would only be me.
:(
Friday, April 9, 2010, 10:46 PM
Work haven't been good these days. Working with someone that totally annoys me. So I seems to be slower, not responsive, not enthusiatic in work this few days. I can't be bothered when working with her. Like seriously. Because she thinks she's a chef, when she's just a cook.This 2 days, I haven't been sms-ing ernest. I'll take a break and give him a break from the almost everyday sms, for the past weeks. I tried to take steps back. Because I'm tired already. I tries to treat him like invisible at workplace. Unless there's a need for me to talk to him, or else I wouldn't talk to him. But this 2 days, even I never talk to him, I walk in cold kitchen nia, he'll look at me and smile. I ignore him though. Then he'll come talk to me. Surprisingly. Because I left in a hurry with zin muang from trainee's meeting, got things to be busy with. Then he talked at the corridoor, so loudly, 'go back already ah? so fast?'. For the first time, I hear him talk to me so loudly in the presence of others.
I super miss chatting with him sia. Really, only 2 days though. But I wonder if he realised something went wrong or anything. It's useless for me to go to this extent though. But this action would just proof somethings to me. However, it might not be all.
Time would proof it all. Because now, no matter how minor the things he do, I will be like 'wow' kind of thing. So totally blinded. I can't feel the right feeling.
Saturday, April 3, 2010, 7:13 PM
Too late
I feel like having my blog public once again.But I think it's just too late for it. As I've so many post, for the past few years. I've openly typed in names. Might even be talking about good friends around me now. It's ugly to have it public and if they were to casually passed by and read them.
Another way is to edit all my post to have their names *, but it's so troublesome! I have 300 over 400 posts. How to? I don't have that much of time!
Yet another way is to let this blog rest in peace and set a whole new one. But hello, then what is the point of it? Since blog is a personal internet journal to let me keep my memories. Then my memories are like cut from one paragragh to another, which make things totally no meaning to me.
It's just too late to have it public again.
Friday, April 2, 2010, 10:30 PM
It has been so so long since I had the mood to do a proper update. All updates were rather random, or when I needed something off my mind.Well, yet another month had passed. It's so fast, that it seems as though I hadn't had the chance to capture any of the moments in march and it's gone already! How can time pass so fast? Very soon, another 13 weeks, and I'm graduating! Very fast right?! It's like seeing the light at the end of a year long tunnel. I'm glad I'm seeing that spark, I'm getting close.
In another blink of eyes, I would be out, to see the world.
So much things went on during my internship. My friends are drifting away from me, because I've got no time for meet-ups. As well as gaining some real good friends from work. That's my network. It's broadening. Next time how? How to get so much time for so many people?
Oh well, time would says it all.
I had been saying I want to be a good girl. I want to quit drinking, quit clubbing. Though I had not been a rather regular clubber. Everytime I go, is socially. This time I can't reject, I've tried, but yet I've got no reason to reject. Because I owe them the favor.
I've not been home for dinner. My mum nagged at me, ask me why not come home for dinner, then save money. Don't have to keep complaining no money. This month I spend really alot. I eat on my own expenses this month. I buy my own toiletries. I top-up my own ez-link card. I shop with my own money too. What's there else for me to save?
It's simple for me to save. I can just come home after work for dinner. Then I need not pay a single cent for that meal.
Who seen the effort I've put in? Cooked at home, but once dinner is over, one goes out, one goes to sleep. I'm left to face the computer, the stupid television and the four bloody white walls. What for? What's the point of me coming back to a house and not a home. The lost of personal touch.
I hate to see my family being screwed up. It might be by me this time. I've put in effort, it's not working. I give up. I don't want to be a good girl anymore.
I rather go out, and find someone who can love me for who I am, even with my rebellious character, my stubborn personality. Love me, or leave me. I can no longer be bothered.
Work, family said. For the sake of the people like wanying, though I only have 3 people allowed into my blog. Here it's what all it came about with the guy, Ernest.
I didn't like this guy at all when he first worked with me, because he is simpily new. He didn't know his basics, teach yet couldn't get it. He pissed me off, during my busy time. I can screw him in the kitchen.
However, during my last week in cold kitchen, I worked real close with him. Because I have to do a proper handover. And then, because of some stupid function we had to run it together. So we got kind of close. Work together, go lunch together, work together, dinner together, chit chat as we work, take breaks, go punch casual labour together. Brings 2 big 1litre bottles into canteen and filled it up with coke together. Just one week. I got so used to doing all this things, speaking nonsense, disturbing him. Then off I went up to main kitchen already.
Then starts to contact him through sms. He helped me buy thing, but don't want take money from me, despite how much i tried to push to him. (YY pushed the money and insist him in taking, he took. however much I tried to push, he refuses.) Then I buy coffee for him lor. Then got once, I worked afternoon, he ended same time as me. He's tired then he waited for me at smoking area say ask me lobang his cab back. I know he's tired, so I bluffed him go back on his own. Then he walked me go opposite then he came back to take cab again. -.-'''
Few times went out dinner/supper with the presence of others. Once took cab with him and YY. YY go home first then my place then he's the last. The next time was only me and him. How sweet, he remembered that my place that route, needs to make a U-turn. I'm surprised.
Then do stupid things like sending gifts through fb restaurant city. He gave me roses in RC. Well, although it's just an exchange of gifts, but out of a million things in RC, he gave me roses! Small things as such make me crazy. I'm naiive.
I doubt my friends would ever sees me treating a guy like any of my close friends. such as when he sick, buy liang teh. When I cook, I share. I wait for someone just to take train with me. I randomly text, and disturb. I do all these with my close friends. But never done it to a guy. He's the first who can make me so comfortable.
I don't know what would happen in the near future, if the flower bears any fruits. Let nature takes it's course.
Doesn't really matter. Not bad afterall if I can have such a guy friend.
He's a nice guy la. He also don't seems to be like running away from me or whatsoever. So, yea. Still okay. I sounds as though I'm crazily in love. The way I talk and describe. When I describe and talks about it, I sound like a crazy fellow. But trust me la, I don't dare go into it too much too. See, after 6 years, I get those shits. You think I still dare to go that far. No way.
Long Long update that I should have long blogged about. It covers everything from past few months. For those I never mention much, was because I'm working. No one would wanna hear me grumble about work as well. Now I'm busy learning inddian cuisine. My chef tomorrow last day already! SAD!
I think I'm a vixen lehs. Last time CCA groups, whichever I join, closes down. Now wherever I go, the chef leaves. That time cold kitchen, bernard leave, now indian chef. HAIYO!
For the 3 readers on my blog. If you have another connection of people who works in kitchen and know if they've got lobang for garde manger in a good hotel, intro me.
I wanna find a job to start in August/ September.
That's all! I need to go sleep. Working 7am tomorrow.