♥ Numb Escape ♥
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Pamela Lim
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Tuesday, December 29, 2009, 9:48 PM
I had a really weird dream this morning. Yes, early in the morning I get such stuff.The dream goes like this:
I took a cab, to somewhere, it looks like my house here the carpark, or last time my grandma place there the carpark. Then I meet my 'gf' who came down from the 4th floor. I chit chat with her at the carpark. We sat down at the carpark lot, next to a car, on the floor. Then after chit chat, out of the sudden, we got intimate. In the dream, I started off kissing her by her cheeks, later on, I went to her lips. She responded to, didn't reject. Then suddenly she said she have to go home. So I said okay, she went up, I looked at her go home from the carpark. Then I left, went to take cab. Then I met 2 ACS(I) interactors -whom I got to know last time through trips and events, by the road side.
And my dream ended just like this. Liting said it's time for me to get a boyfriend.
It sounds quite gross.
Saturday, December 26, 2009, 7:44 PM
Reason
You know that I want to move on. You know I want to end this torment.But yet, why make things worst.
Why do you have to say words that would keep me waiting.
How can I move on with those words of yours.
Telling me that hopefully you can send my 21st birthday present back to sg for me.
Telling me that you're looking forward to my cooking one day.
You gave me another reason to be waiting.
You gave me another reason wanting to cook for the man I love.
Why do you have to do this to me?
Now that you know my feelings towards you.
Sigh.
Please tell me when you flying off Singapore. I'll cook for you the night before. And I send you off.
It seems like telling doesn't seems to help at all. :'(
Saturday, December 19, 2009, 11:19 PM
I know I'll be fine.
Everything has come to an end.The single-sided love story, ended, with no happy ending.
I mailed him yesterday. Told him everything. It was rather random. But I seriously spoke my heart out. When I came home just now, I decided to give him a chance, so I unblocked him.
So yes, he told me he was busy blah blah blah. Which I know - don't ask me how I know, but from the way his facebook the time he's online can tell he's busy with work. Then he's blessed to have me as a friend etc.
I knew things would have turned out this way. I didn't break down, perhaps I would later. My heart hurts real bad now. But I'm still holding on.
I'm trying to avoid the awkwardness, because he's trying to chat, but I'm rather quiet than normal. So I end up grumbling about work. At least something I can talk about. I hope, I really hope, he'll still be here to listen to all my grumbles, all my unhappiness.
oh, he said hopefully he'll be able to give me my 21st bday pressie from overseas. I told him I'll be waiting. A sigh of relief, yet another expectation grew.
It's time I learn how to move on.
Friday, December 18, 2009, 5:51 PM
Alot of things happened at home lately.Just because of the other time I went clubbing, back home late, I didn't sleep as I'm working morning shift the next day, mum wasn't happy.
The next time, I was home late, because I worked till 9+, then next morning I had a difficult time waking up. I'm tired.
Yesterday, I called her and said, I won't be home early, got OT to do, after that meet geok leng. She hang my phone call. I got fucked up. I'm angry. I grumbled alot to geok leng.
It's like, on average each day, I work from 7am-6pm, which is total of 11hours, then I spend total of 3 hours in travelling, that makes up 14hours already. Then dinner time, 1 hour, 15 hours. 24 hours, 15 hours gone, left with only 9 hours. If you want me, go work I see same faces everyday, then come home also see same faces everyday, I suppose I can die already. Can't I even use this 9 hours to enjoy myself a little, to go distress? I need a little time to my life too.
Anyway, I still went ahead with my plans. We went to eat steamboat at LaMeiZi. Chit chat alot. Catch up. Then aftermath, I brought her to arab street there. I can't believe I'm the one okay! Anyway, what I'm gonna mention next, no one scolds me for it okay, this is the only place I can mention about it. The two of us went into the shophouse.
She tried shisha, and me asked for a vodka lime. And damn bloody hell, it took them 1/2 hour to process my order. Waste so much time. And I did try shisha. No kick. Nothing one. As if I breathing air only.
Headed home at 2 plus.
Today off. Woke up actually want to go for medical check up one, for my insurance. End up, clinic close. Then mum fetched me to tan boon liat building, razorsharp. There got so many knives! I saw the salmon slicer I want!!! It cost $200++ but now got 50% lehs! Then I wanted to get knive bag, costing $149, got 50% too, so make it $75, I wanted to buy already. But mum said another time.
So end up, I bought my knives guards. 3 @ $29.90. And send my baby in for resharpening. I don't know how come I sharpen until the back of the knife like alll zigzac. And at the front of the blade got 1 hole. Damn angry.
Many times I told YY not to use my knife to cut cling wrap already. I always pass her my small knife. She doesn't listen. If she knows how to care for my knife I don't care. But she doesn't. Yesterday she cut cling wrap, then knock!, onto the insert. The blade perpendicular onto the insert. Fucked up.!#$% my chef they all use ah, although they bang on table, I don't care, because it doesn't hurt the blade, but this one. WHA!!!! I WANT TAKE MY KNIFE KILL HER ALREADY! I use her knife sometimes also to cut cling wrap, but I take care.
The thing is, you want to use people's personal knife, use it with a heart la, nabei. That's for sure 1 reason why I don't want bring my new zwiling to work lehs. I rather make use without my baby. -.-
I'm jealous of YY to be frank. Chef william dotes on her alot alot. But fuck care. There are things she had done and I've not learnt. But take it step by step. I see how they do, I do. Oh, I was so angry about my knife accident, it's just once that she injured my knife, but she use my knife on cling wrap alot alot of times. There isn't a need to use so much strength, cos my knife sharp liao. But there is this time, she tell me, eh, you knife not sharp. -.- her knife then not sharp. Still need people sharpen for her. -.-''' sigh. I nothing to say la.
Not that she's not good. But she no heart to learn lehs. Somethings at work I can share with her one at work, but she like, 'you also trainee' kind of attitude. Whatever lor, everyday come work like restless, come and play with pastry people. Don't know her la. I already warn her about what's happening in the kitchen, what they saying about her, she say she can't be bothered. Haiyo, quit school la. She say after attachment, she may quit this line already. Waste 2 years. I asked her the other time, why take this course. She say because she like lor. I don't see the passion there. Maybe not as much as mine.
Cooking for yourself is the time where you can be the most expressive and experiment. Because only you eat, then you see if you can even pass your own standard not. To her it's not. To her cook for oneself to eat, should be as simple as possible, so don't need headache to think what to cook. See? Like that how to experiment lehs?
I don't know la. All I need is my own heart to learn. And please, STOP USING MY KNIFE ON CLING WRAPS! DON'T BLAME MY BABY FOR BITING YOU ONE DAY!
I wished you are here to lend me you listening ear this few days.
Monday, December 14, 2009, 10:30 PM
我已经开始习惯没有你的日子。我已经习惯了你的不纯在。偶尔会在想，“你没发现我突然‘消失’了吗？”。
我想我真的死心了。他一通电话也没打来，一断简讯也没有。
算了吧，我还是在重新寻找过吧！
没有你，我还是会过的好好的。我会没事的。
你的明天， 有多快乐， 不是我的。
我们的爱是唱一半的歌。
时间把习惯换了，伤口愈合
也撤销我再想你的资格。
对我而言，这是唱一半的情歌。因为只有我在唱。
算了吧!!
10:02 PM
It has been real long since I last update on my life.Had been busy with work. Fully concentrating on work. Learning as much as I can. Though my collegues give me the title 'best trainee', I don't dare to pick up this title, because, I don't know it they mean it or they are just suaning me only. But I know, I'm trying hard.
Went partying last saturday at st james. But I left early, because next day have work. And I had curfew to reach home by 2.30 am. Sigh.
Came home never sleep. Mum woke up to scold. End up I pretended to go room to sleep. Ended up using hp to go online to chat. I close my eyes at around 4.20, then 4.55 I wake up wash up then go work already.
Was like a total zombie at work.
But I loved the night. We had henessey with coke/ginger ale, but I drink very little only. Less than 2 cups in total. I never knew how to dance, but when I was there, it started all naturally. I love st james powerhouse, it was only my 1st time there, but I like it there more than zirca. The only thing I didn't like about powerhouse is that it was so crowded that night. And it was like so packed. But still, FUN! I came home deaf though. LOL.
Somemore clubbing for me please? I know I moved like a woodblock, but who cares?! ;P
Thursday, December 3, 2009, 12:46 AM
I miss chatting with you badly.I'm the director, producer, actor, actress, publisher, of this story. It's all just me, you're innocent.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 11:35 PM
Contradicting.
I miss chatting with you. I wanted to reply that message.Yet my heart made me block you, asked me not to reply.
I'm just protecting myself. Because I know, if I chat and I reply your message, I'll forgive you. Then once you start 'sweet talking', I'll start all over again, liking you. I'm just drawing my distance, I don't want to fall into that hole that would just pierce through my heart.
I'm looking for that lock, of which the key I'm holding to.
1:08 AM
Fucking emotional these 2 days.