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Pamela Lim
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Sunday, May 31, 2009, 11:27 PM
My unique life
I would say I live an almost extraordinary life. Perhaps, everyone lives life differently from one another.Journey started since the day I had a dream, which i currently can't remeber how many donkey years ago was it. My dad left us, which I wasn't very much affected by it then, since I was still so young. I'm affected only when I was in Secondary 3. When things somehow got haywired, financial crisis. But still sustainable.
My first job was when I was in Secondary 3, going secondary 4 that time. Year end. Mum agreed, to let me go out for some experience. Hence I took up a free-lance promoter job. Then I know, how crude humans can be, when it comes to business and money.
Following job is one of the job I enjoyed so far. Though yes, tiring, kinda fucked up. But yes, the job is lovable. Winner Insurance Agencies Pte Ltd. Besides providing me a place to learn and grow, it brought me friendships too. (:
Then I got into Shatec, my first step to pursuing my dream. Yes, Shatec is fucked up. But I'm just getting to be done with. No need to make noise with them, since it doesn't work.
Working part-time and studying full time. Now I know, what's tired, what's stress.
I can't believe that I'm this tired. I can sacrifice my time to extend my working hours, even though the working place is kinda fucked up too. But what I'm staying on is the kinda of job I'm handling. I love preparing those food. Seeing them served to the guest's table. That kind of satisfactions. Repeating what I've been saying - Although coffee club food ain't fully produced by the staffs at the outlet.
I wish I can live a 'normal' life, just like any one of you out there. Working for the money. Earn money, get through life, enjoy life. But I know, I need to be somebody someday. I want to proof it to people whom looked down on me- mainly my dad. I want to show, who I can be, even without him by myside. I want to do my mum and sis proud. I need to be somebody someday.
Many people would have said that, if you've a goal in life, it makes things easier for you. Guiding you. But how many of you know, because not many people have goal in life, having a goal in life in fact can be tiring. Just because you know what you have to do to get what you want, you wouldn't stop trying. During these tries, you face failures, you face setbacks. And such 'keep tryings' gets rather tiring. The kind of 'give up' feeling, is just so near, so near. I swear, I almost gave up.
Now that I know, my goal is so clear. Despite the tiredness, I work for it. Because I know, I'm not doing it for money, I'm doing it for myself, and my family. I know all these ups and downs through the years is making me a stronger person.
I know, I'll be somebody someday somewhere. I know, I'm not the only one feeling this way. But how many of you are feeling this tired, for your childhood dream? The kind of satisfied feeling, yet the kind of stress, the 'pek chek', the unique and undescribable feeling, I believe, not many of you feels this way, unless you've really tried it.
Remember my words - do it for yourself and your beloved ones.
Don't tell me you can understand my feelings, if you're just doing for your beloved ones, not yourself. Tell me people, how many of you, really love what you're doing as a career now, to the extend you feel sick also die die must go?
Love what you do.
Love yourself.
Love your life.
Is the KEY to lead a extraordinary life.
Now I know, what my ex-boss meant all those while, of loving you job. Thanks boss.
I no longer wants someone next to me all the time. If there's a chance of the right one coming by, then I'll take the chance. However, if it's fated forever no one is coming, then leave it. I can live with my career, my hobby. I wouldn't mind, to be an old chef, with winkled face, winkled skin. I fear marriage/relationship. But I would go through them, with my career, my hobby, with no fear at all. I conquer this fear with all my might, in this career marriage.
:) An ordinary human leading an extraordinary life.
Saturday, May 30, 2009, 12:15 PM
Angsty
I gets mad easily these days. But I don't show it. Deep within me, I'm very mad.It's like, people who are older than me, or rather same age. Can't do their work. I don't know what's the hell problem with them. It's like, for the same question in IT, such as, changing the page margin go where. Asking me this question over and over and over again. It's like, teacher taught a million of times, we also practice over and over again, but they still can't get it!!
Then, I normally thinks that people who are older would be wiser. But it seems like coming to me like as though I know everything?!?! Even Resume stuff, cover letter, sending out, printing, scanning, everything need me help? EHS?! YOUR CV OR MINE?! Not that I don't want to help, but seriously, it's annoying me. When I can't even settle my own ,I need to settle for you?
Can't these people just stop bugging me?!
I'm keeping silent, because I know, I need them some day. But they're really getting the hell out of me. It's annoying. Stress already, somemore with all the people.
FUCK CARE LAH!
Friday, May 29, 2009, 11:37 PM
A step closer
I'M HAPPY! I CAN FLY SOON!Fairmont replied to my email. Asking me to attach my latest transcipt!
Though the email doesn't says much, at least, at least, they are keen in knowing!
Fairmont! Fairmont!
CALL ME FOR INTERVIEW!
I WILL DO WELL! I WON'T BE NERVOUS TILL I FORGET. I'LL DO IT WELL!
CALL ME! CALL ME!!!
Thursday, May 28, 2009, 11:22 PM
I suppose those who are close to me, could really see that I'm seriously stressed up now.One down today, left with exams and internship.
Sometimes, I really don't know what am I stressing over. It's like, I worry about this worry about that. But then those just needs time, and I do know that. So what am I worrying about? I don't know. So it's like, I don't know what's on my mind.
I've been occupied this period, I didn't have time to think. But somehow, by crook or by hook, I'll still think. I've been putting in effort, trying my best. But things doesn't seems to be working out. Sometimes, I just wonder, is this God's arrangement. That things will start off like this. I don't like it. I feel the pain.
Oh, remember that last friday ismail quarrelled with me? Then today he in bloody good mood, talk to me, joke with me, even offer help to put make-up for me. -.- It's seriously fucking weird.
I seriously thinks that if I were to see the doctor tomorrow, I'll confirm get sent to hospital. My flu is seriously not going, now got cough somemore. Bodyache due to lack of sleep. And when I was at work just now, whenever I blink my eyes, it feels as though I faint/blackout. My vision slows down already. I think my nervous system also, I became so slow.
God damn it. I'm really sick. Furthermore, so stress up, I don't mind if I can get swine, then I die. Let me be the first one die in Singapore lah, then at least I became famous before I die.
That's all for today lah.
Goodnights.
12:54 AM
How many of you actually relised that I've been blogging at rather late hours lately?I'd been sleeping at 1am, 1 am plus.
Waking up at 5am plus, 6am plus.
Tell me, how not to tired?
Somemore now stress that I've got project to do. Internship to follow up with. Classes to concentrate. Exams to focus. Work to handle.
I know all this are of typical tertiary school life. But I believe not many poly/JC students are leading this life of mine. I won't say none of them, but seldom. I just don't know why, I work so hard.
And I'm so sick, for the past I think 3 weeks. If I were to go to the doctor now, they would send me to the hospital for a full body check-up. Who knows I end up to be Singapore first domestic influenza A case. Furthermore singapore had it's first case yesterday morning.
I wish I could die of soon. But not that soon. I want to fulfil my dream first.
Those feelings is gone. For sure that I know. I can't be bothered about you anymore. I could resist that temptation of chatting with you when I'm busy. I don't feel like wanting to chat with you and waits for you to be online as before. And what I know for now, I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need a guy in my life. I want to give up this part of life, to exchange a career for myself. Can I?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 12:35 AM
Internship
I'm getting rather gan chiong now.I've send out one internship resume last week, wednesday.
I've yet to receive a reply from them.
Most likely no hope? Never even contact me to go for interview lehs!
Then by tonight, I'll most likely send out to other hotels.
I pray hard, one will look upon me. For my good GPA results.
Oh god, please.
Feeling rather pressurised. Furthermore, presentation ain't over.
And exam is less than 3 weeks away.
Intern have yet to settle. I SHOULD HAVE WORRIED EARLIER!
Saying all this now no use liao lar hor.
I go email out my resume already.
Goodnight earthlings.
P.S Should I open my blog to public again? Or should I keep it private? how?
Monday, May 25, 2009, 11:43 PM
I'm tired.Back from work.
Nothing much today actually. Today suddenly at work, got very good chat with ah fei. He told me quite alot of things.
That's all. Nothing much.
I can't wait to go out with my heels. ;)
Sunday, May 24, 2009, 11:40 PM
Where's my fish & chips?
2nd post.Today went out to woodlands causeway for shopping with grace. She spent like $100 but me, spend total $50.
I wanted to look for heels. So went Charles & Keith at causeway, but then the one I like, no size. Thought of clark quay, so went over lor. Go until there also no size. zzzzz. So end up, grace picked up a pair of heels for me. Damn high, I swear.
But I love that shoe. I really love it, although it's high. It's yet comfy, and pretty! Really love it.
Passed by Clark Quay again. I've yet to step into fishermen Wharf. @$!@#$#
Where's my fish & chips?
11:29 PM
People Says
when,- the weather is changing rapidly;
- alot of mishaps happening;
- friends quarrel;
- friends turning into foes;
- people dying
are signs of doomsday.
How true is this? I'm doubting every single part of it. Even when it's the scentist who says it all, scentist is still a human. Bible says it? It's written by follower of Him, who are also humans. They're just coincidence, trust me.
All this had been happening all before. Just that none of the earthlings actually took notice of them. Only till the news of 2012 came, people link them all.
12:52 AM
Am I the problem?
Why?Subsequently for two days, things keep cropping up? Why is that so?
After the incident with that bastard in class - yes I know i should stop harping on it, today again, kena suan siao at work.
Anw, I got more to add on to yesterday.
He's might be older, but not wiser, more experience, but don't forget, we're at the same par, same level. He's no one of a higher rank to speak to me like this. He's seriously no one. So the more I should stop bothering about this person- and I mean it. By age, yes he is older, but who is he? just classmate, not even my senior. Tell you, if he younger than me, but senior in rank of work, he wanna scold me fuck me till i die, I'm fine with it. But this idiot here, is NOBODY.
Today at work. Got this irritating guy currently at harbourfront. He used to be at holland v. Frankly speaking, I had been enjoying working with people there (maybe one or two I don't like but still ok with them). Till he came in. He talks real BIG, as though he is I don't know - too much until I don't have a word to describe him. He spiderman the people there. And everytime we meet, he tries to test me on my knowledge on f&b. Ehs, hello? If I know everything, I wouldn't be in shatec and needs to go on attachment this july already.
When I started working, I was quiet. Of cause la, I do work first ma, then got time then chit chat lah, that is if there's a subject to talk about. Then he say why I so quiet, why I don't talk. When people don't talk to you, of cause there's something wrong already, correct not? Then he asked further, you at home also so quiet ah. Can't this guy just Shut The Fuck Up? He's really annoying.
Then I heard him telling Fei, 'everytime work with Francis alot people come in one, busy. But don't know why when she work, no customer.' Hello? If that's the case, go tell Chef Raymond that I bring BADLUCK to Hfc lah! Talk so big for what?! He also not management, why care wether the company hits their sales target not. He is just a small pea in coffee club. Bastard, remember this, NO PARTICULAR STAFF IS TO BLAME WHEN THE BUSINESS IS DOWN, WE WORK AS A TEAM, SO IT'S EVERYONES' PROBLEM AND NOT ONLY MINE. If you really want to care so much - my method of doing things, the kind of luck I bring to the establishment, the kind of knowledge I have, go be my boss. Then come and control me. But I can tell you, You'll never be.
Does the problem really lies with me?
Just because I usually keeps quiet, I gets bullied this way. Letting people treat me as punching bag? Let people suan siao me? If I voice out, people also say, I keep quiet people also say. So what I do I have to do? I'm already controlling myself, of when to talk when to shut up. But still, why do people have so many comments on me. Am I really the problem?
My soul, my self, seems to be lost in the woods again. I thought I've picked up my self-confidence again. But these little stuffs, seems to be crashing on me, again and again. The subconsious protection seems defenseless. Where did all the power gone to? Answer me, god.
& where's my fish & chips?
Saturday, May 23, 2009, 3:07 PM
It feels weird. And I mean I really feel weird.I'm starting to doubt whatever people say and do. I'm being so cautious that I'm thinking everyone's faking it. Sometimes, even talking to my Pillars of Life, I also fine them fake. Even when I chatted with C last night, he don't sound like who he is.
It's the sudden feel, as though I'm away from my clique. I feel withdrawn from them.
I doubting everything. It seems to be like everyone is wearing a mask.
Everyone looks so fake.
Everyone's wearing a mask.
Everyone seems to be just entertaining me.
So where is the someone, that I'll never doubt.
Friday, May 22, 2009, 9:58 PM
Today just ain't my day.Afternoon, classmate ismail made things difficult for us. It was just a simply task, of getting into group of 6. Since our role doesn't have enough people, we ask kiat and ria to join us. He wasn't happy, saying that we took the best. Then him how, only have bryan and that two (rhica and zhihao, they quarreled so was sitting apart), one sit here then the other sit there.
Fine, we gave in. We told kiat and ria to go join him instead. But he doesn't want them anymore. So what's the big fucking problem by asking kiat and ria if they wanna join us? They have their choice to say no to us. But this fucker was being so ge gao, making a big fuss out of it. Saying that originally kiat and ria was with him. Since when? about this class activity ria and kiat is with him? If they are with him, they would have just told us they got group already.
Then we went out. Wasn't happy. Because he said WE take the best, then never think for him. When we went back with our cup noodles, I sat down, eat one mouth only, he shouted at me. Saying 'because of me and my big mouth, he and rhica quarrel. he talk nicely to rhica, but rhica shouted at him for no reason. i'm another one who doesn't think before I talk. Please think before I talk. He long ago wanted to confront me, but he give nas face so he didn't.' I shouted back at him. I said, 'What has it got to do with me that she shout at you?! Okay fine, I'll think ok, I'll think!'
I was bloody angry, I can't eat. The whole cup noodles, I only ate 2 mouths, I threw them away. No mood to eat already. I came back, Kamz and him was quarrelling. Kamz ask him why do he have to push the blame to me. He should have blamed her instead, because she was the one who asked ria and kiat to join us. Kamz and him were literately shouting at each other. Then nas stood up, shouted, scolded vulgarities. Then went off.
After that was silent. Then he stood up to go out. He shouted and pointed at me again. 'Pamela, think what you do, please think what you said involving my name!' Like that. Even if I did mention his name, was just me talking to my clique, casual asking of question like 'why ismail keep wanting nas to fetch him?' like that only ok?! He can simply just tell me, he have got alot of things to bring, so he need transport. I'll understand. How old alr? Cannot think?
Then after exam, he talked to ria. Saying that if I were to apologise to him, he would be fine, but I'm acting as though I don't care. Please lehs, I apologise for what? I didn't do anything wrong. And is it my problem to care? It's not my problem of cos I don't care lah duh.
So in the first place, there's no issue. He being sensitive, unable to manage stress, he blows off at me. So who should be the one apologising? This fucker here, wants to do such thing to me. Fine, next time if he is to ask any favour from me, I would ignore. I can't think before I talk, so whatever info I giving out of my mind, may be wrong, inaccurate.
I don't need such fuckers in my life.
I blocked and deleted him on my msn list. I don't talk to fuckers.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009, 11:33 PM
AGAIN! ANOTHER UPDATE!!!Reason being is that I'm not use to sleeping this earlier now. Probably sleeping by 12am would be considered relatively good. I'm rather bored, refuses to read anything or research anything regarding cooking. Though it can be one of my hobby, to read and research on these stuff. Overdosage make me feels sick of them. And I know, once I feels sick of them, I would start to hate. To refrain from such thing happening, which would eventually affect my passion for cooking, I don't do them when I'm physically and mentally strained.
Being able to keep in track, and holding on to continue in this course is rather challenging. It seems easy. Like secondary, we have no choice, we can't drop out. But for now, as and when I want to leave the school, I can simpily sign and go. That ain't me, I'm holding on strong, losing my grip from time to time.
So far, this 10 months haven't been an easy one. Starting of school was fine. Till friendship problems starts to occur. Then studies gets rocky, modules getting tricky and school became cranky.
Whoever who reads my blog, would know about the friendship problems. So what I meant by studies gets rocky is that my studies getting really unstable. My time are so cramped up. I have difficulties staying focus as well. I tend to get my mind flying somewhere else, and not shatec.
Modules getting tricky. The last few modules that I'm doing now, are really heavy. I no longer can store what taught in class, which I used to be able to recap through my mind easily. I'VE GOT NO IDEA WHY(?!) I CAN'T DO IT NOW! Lessons taught, informations given, all are complicated.
Last but not least, I swear SHATEC SUCKS! I used to believe that shatec is once again picking up themselves after the downturn 7 years ago. They started off by trying to gain student's trust. But they don't seems to be keeping to their words, nor what are mentioned in the contract.
Shatec is a contract based college. We got into shatec successfully through interviews. We signed the 2 years contract for this diploma. Then reading carefully each and every terms and conditions that applies. Yes, I signed them, on every single page of the contract.
Then here comes the story after enrolling for half a year.
While we're suppose to be spilt into Rosette, Charcoal & production in the 3rd term. As rosette closes down. Shatec simpily throw us into the workforce for training. And i meant literally thrown there. We faced problems, no one from shatec answers to it. We take actions, our results from coffee club gets affected. So what the hell was shatec doing? We're only suppose to enter the workforce when we finish our institutional training. And the answer came back to us was "I didn't know it turned out so bad, because you guys are the first batch." Such an unprofessional way of answering to our sufferings at Coffee Club.
We came back from coffee club, had a clean cut with them after 1 whole fucking month. To clear all the pay. To get back what we deserved. Case close. While everyone was being patient and waited for the school to give the que to apply for internship. They made us wait and wait and wait. Finally they came to us on the second week of May. And they gave us the talk, starting off so damn nice. Then came the fucking big bomb. They need us to pay $300 for a job portal. Saying that this job portal would have professions handling with us, find us internship placement and stuff like this. Making it sound as though it is really that important that we've got to sign up for you. My class had a debute with them instead. They couldn't answer our questions. They tried to escape our questions. Giving nonsense reason like they just join the school for 2 months.
Oh fuck it. That shouldn't be how a establishment be working. They can start this plan with people who join january 2009, afterall they still have another 6 months plus before going out for attachment. It is so not up to standard, for them to promote a proposal that been submitted up less than 2 months for approval to us. And treating us like guinea pig. HELLO?! SHATEC! Damn this asshole school. And I meant it.
At first I had the thought of joining the job portal, pay them $300, let them do the job. Then to think of it again. Seriously, it's not worth it. Even though you may have them to do up your resume to make it so damn fucking atas, even when you get the job at the hotel of you choice. You are not willing to learn, you're not willing to be hardworking. Then there wouldn't be to your benefit at all. So, I depend without the job portal. Finding external help.
If I have the heart to learn, to be trained. There would be someone out there, willing to teach me.
So a longer post today? HAHA! alot of rant. I want to go on!!!
Okay, all those mentioned above, kept me real busy. So I wouldn't have much time to chat with him, to think of him. Which is good anyway - it's suppose to be negative for me. But I seriously got no time to think. No time to let my imagination run wild. I get so tired, that I've forgotten there's someone I placed in my heart. I've forgotten my external friends- please don't blame me. This is how tired I got. Maybe the only time for me to get emotional would be before I go sleep, or when I was napping on the train in the morning, whereby I would literally fall asleep, in my lala land, unconcious about my surrounding.
Have I gotten over C? I'm not 100% sure yet.
10:36 PM
Yesterday's resume turned out to be a disaster. Lucky got people amend for me. Thank god.Would be sending out my very first resume tomorrow. Sending to Intercontinental first. The rest I'll do it tomorrow night or the day after.
Okay, I'm really tired. And I mean physically. I haven't been having proper sleep. Sleeping at 1.30 in the morning and waking up arnd 6-6.30 the next day. The hours are very irregular.
Due to the sleeping disorder, I slept in class today. Demo class somemore. IT'S THE FIRST DEMO CLASS I SLEPT IN. And it wasn't me purposely position myself to sleep. I literally fell asleep. That's how tired I am okay!
Now got to do my attachment staff. ARGH! Such an hassle. Whatever lah hor, wherever I can get a place, I'll just go for it. Go do things well there, then everything would be fine.
oh ya, before I forget. Rmb that time I went out with C? He was jokingly asking me to apply for intercon for my attachment. And I NEVER expect, that I'm really applying for this hotel. @^#@$$^@#! y so coincident sia! >.<
Okay lah, i haven't bathe. I want go bathe then go sleep already. Good night people.
*YAWNS*
12:59 AM
I've been sleeping late these days. Simply because i always end up rushing project, studying for my test. That I'm used to sleeping late. And that I've got to wake up like at 6 in the morning. But fuck care already. If too early go bed, can't sleep also.So I've finally done up my Cover letter, and my Resume. It's so like, FINALLY!
I've took about 2.5 hours to fix this 2 documents though. Resume is rather easy. Cover Letter is the tricky one, as my command of english ain't that good.
I took my formal photo today already. With make-up. I look fucking ugly I swear. But 3 people said it's okay. So I'm not sure if I'm the one who is too sensitive.
When I finished my resume. I see, I'm happy.
You know why?
Because of all the work experience I had. Though all are part-time, and some only a few days or even less than a month. But at least, I'd learnt somethings!
我终于体会到真真放弃的感觉了。;)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009, 1:14 AM
Shall blog alittle, to help abit for destressing.Yes, I was so stressed up today(monday).
Because there will be 2 test tomorrow(tues), and I've yet to study nuts of both subject. What's best? I've got to work 6pm to 10pm. What's the BEST out of the BEST? I didn't bring either one of my manuals with me, since I was rushing out of home this morning.
Fine, came back, read through. Tried writing down notes, but it seems useless, because I was blindly copying and that nothing's going into my brain. So I switch to reading mode again. Tries to recall whatever I HEARD in class. Those I didn't manage to catch in class, I've just got to use my "logical" brain to link it to whatever I think I can that would make sense. Somehow it did help a little lah. Better than nothing.
Then I continued with the other subject. SIBEI HENG. This subject, most of the time I listen in class. Somemore that heavy chapter, I got lesson for 2 times. Fucking heng can. So I read through alittle.
Tomorrow then continue studying in the morning and during lunch break again. Since in any other way, there's nothing else can go into my brain now. And that I had a total of 3 shots of espresso in my drinks just now. I had a double shot ice vanilla latte, then a cup of ice coffee. But I'm still tired. :(
I'm really lacking of sleep and rest. I feel as though I collapsing already. But every moment of that thought, would bring the image of joyous and happiness that I would be experiencing this june, at chalet to celebrate Nas's birthday. I'm getting excited all over it- and that is what that is keeping me going.
Sis got angry with me just now. Knowing that I'm having test tomorrow and I'm working. And I've yet to study. She told me not to worry about money, she'll sponser me. I told her, her side is also tight hence I don't want to trouble her further. She ask me not to bother about her side. But seriously, though I'm still studying, I need to learn how to be independent already. I need to support myself sooner or later. Why not let me try doing it now?
Just so many people are against the idea of me working part-time and studying at the same time. I know you guys are concern for my health etc. But how many of you actually knows, that I enjoy what I'm doing at work? I really love this career. It's just the physical part.
And you're no longer the person, I kept thinking of. The feeling had faded. And I swear it have. I no longer believe there will be a day of chance. I no longer see you and me, only you or me. Thank you to work and studies, that made me realise, I just ain't for you. I swear that you're no longer the one I think, I miss, I like. You're just a friend with benefits in the near future.
Saturday, May 16, 2009, 12:36 PM
As I said, I'll be back to blog.The reason behind it was,
there's nothing else I can do online, if I don't blog.
Lately, school's rather busy.
I'm rather stress up too.
Work, school, project.
It's not easy to manage all together.
Especially, working.
Though it's short hours, but still, it's tiring.
Desaru plan in june is cancelled.
2nd plan was to batam/bintan resorts.
Bintan is too expensive.
Batam, another prob with h1n1.
So the final is,
Downtown East Chalet.
very -.- right?
But no choice lah. If go overseas, later come home, get quarantined.
no point.
I know, all of the above is very random.
BUT!
It doesn't matter. ;P
12:12 AM
After so long...I realised, I can't bear to leave this blog to rot.
soo.....
I'll be BACK! :D
Saturday, May 2, 2009, 12:00 AM
After this blog had been operating for 1 year plus.I officially says that I'm gonna leave it to rot.
Going back to traditions, to write 'dear dairy'.
:)