♥ Numb Escape ♥
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Pamela Lim
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Saturday, January 31, 2009, 8:52 PM
Warning: Dangerous reading, full of vulgarities, and full of ranting.Why isn't that I'm feeling as though everyone's against me?
Morning go over RC take stock that time, I forgotten to take seafood pie filling. I made my way back, asked andrew if he could help me take, because fauzi counting stock, I don't want to go mess those things. Then he just say to andrew, 'dun have, dun have'. Then afternoon when derrick gone over, he took 3 of it. And even told me there's alot. So what's that big fuck with 'dun have'? CB.
Well, afterall I'm still new to funan. Haven't even work there for a total of 7 days yet. Then NB, how I know how is the sales like there? Then of cos, standby food portioning is by what the senior/previous staff there right? Then when got alot of order come in, the ingredient not enough, go RC take right? So, going over a total of 3 times, my fault lar? NB. Assistance Outlet Manager asked derrick, why make so many trip, why don't want at one go take all in the morning? Ehs, I superwomen issit? Good enough that I've been carrying all those daily stocks from RC all the way to Funan every morning lehs. Say funan not doing anymore ordering. Hey, BIG FUCK ar? Such money, Coffee Club also want save. I not delivery man lehs. And come on, I think Coffee Club seriously failed with their staff welfare.
Every morning, taking like 4 big bags full of things, so heavy. One person cannot manage, ask afternoon shift one go take, also kena complain. NB. Then sometime, even push trolley can. 大庭广众carry so much things, having so many people stare at you. Oh my fucking god, what is coffee club doing?
NB, even oven also see me not happy. Today kena burn. Food falls on oven door twice. Ehs, just what's that fucking problem with derrick, doesn't know how to put the tray in properly lehs. I know you'll say is I careless, he can put in why I cannot take out. When you put in and take out is different can. When you put in the trays are so much cooler, and when you take out it's fucking damn hot can. CB, that guy still got the cheek to ask if it's pain. Of cos pain lar. Fucker.
And this NB guy is climbing up my head just because he is fucking old this year. So yes, got a fucking big generation gap. He's learning culinary just for fun, just because his fucking country is so boring. KNN, whatever I say he wouldn't listen. Blames me for not taking more portions or the food to standby, then very fast finish. Ehs, clever you take over lar.
Don't talk so much lar, CB. Saying 'I don't know where issit, because i still new here' is full crap can. Never explore the place then start calling me where is this where is that. You ownself never explore, then want me spoonfeed you. Wha lau ehs, 30 years old already lehs, still don't know how to hold spoon ar? NB, go eat like dog lor, don't need use spoon.
KNNNBCCB, don't step on my head k? Putting up with you, doesn't mean I can tolerate lor. And god damn. Why such people no brain one? Want eat is can eat lar, but make sure you work smart with it mar. Not enough to standby already, still want eat. Go HOME lar. Don't waste your fucking time working in kitchen. Brainless human being. God, why you create such human sia? Teach him something can? He step on me I ok, I'm learning. But can you teach this guy how to work smart? Want steal food also steal smart lar.
KNN, enough of ranting. I think my BP now is 160/100 already.
23 bad words. Know how angsty I'm feeling now?
Fuck that The Coffee Club.
24.
Friday, January 30, 2009, 8:46 PM
Don't know what has taken me down. Feeling so uneasy, so unhappy now. I don't feel right, since I knock off. Why? what's happening? My mind's in a twirl now. It seems like I've been having such feeling every night after my work. Same goes for last night.Normally I drink, beer or whatever(though I'm just a beginner), I'll feel ok one. But last night when I was feeling so uneasy, I drank a little of my sakae, really little bit, less than half the bottle(the bottle is the small bottle, not those big big one), i feel like blur blur giddy giddy one. Was that drank? But still, I know what I'm talking, I still walk straight. Even I'm not drinking, I'm feeling how i felt last night.
What's happening? I suddenly don't want to go out to eat, rather eat at home. I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't feel like meeting anyone. Once I start eating, my mouth can't stop 'itching', I'll never feel full. I like staying at home, stare at tv, stare at computer, although it's all by myself. I get annoyed so easily, when people tells me or ask me the same old thing more than once. I know it sounds like pms. But I pms not like that one.
Sigh.
Oh, before I forget, Simone, if you're reading this, I haven't gotten my schedule yet. Damn coffee club. After you read this, You'll understand why my tone last night like very harsh.
Thursday, January 29, 2009, 11:03 PM
Random
Another random post. Nothing happened to me, but the thought just came by.This post is NOT directed at anyone, if what I've blogged resembles your life or what's happening to you, it's pure coincidence.
Many times when we talk about girls who are lesbians, the usual reaction ain't of much positive. We do carry that little bit of negative view of girls who are lesbians. Often some of these girls who turned to homosexual, due to not getting what they're looking for in guys. Or it's just their hormones that turns them into homosexual. I've got no idea about it, I wish to learn more.
So here's my random thought: I'm carrying that little bit of negative view on lesbians, so if ever one day, I become a lesbian myself, how would people think of me?
I think it'll be rather similar to my view on lesbians now. This just came across my mine just now. Wouldn't it be a disaster for a straight girl to turn into lesbian simply because of a man, who is fucking not worth it? Anyway, many took this route due to men.
If I were ever to break a news to you, my friends, that I like girls, what would your reaction be?
No worries, I'm not planning to be one though. Although maybe some of you wouldn't be surprise if I become one. LOL! I'm still straight. Trying so hard to get over.
I wouldn't become a gay girl, just because of you.
P/S I'm still not over you.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009, 10:59 PM
I was so bored, nothing to interest me on the net.So I've decided to read Simone's friend's, Charlene, blog.
From what I understand of her situation.
She's quite 'away' from her family. Not in very good terms with her Mum.
And I think she's from a broken family.
Her posts got me cracking my brain once again.
Though my brain already cracked due to too much of random thoughts.
Although, my family is neither complete.
I think I should be glad that I'm close with Mum and Sis.
And that Mum is open-minded, and sort of 'given up' on me.
She doesn't stop me from doing things, as long as I'm not doing the WRONG thing.
Although she don't like me to stay out late etc, but she wouldn't stop me, and just accept it.
My Sis had been kinda understanding.
Probably because she gone through what I'm going through.
And she knows that my Mum is very protective.
Hence she stands on my side, and fight the battle against mum together.
Manage to got our way through.
Mum can't stand our nonsense anymore.
All she would say is, 'you bear your own responsibility.'
For those who didn't know. Me, Mum and Sis wasn't like this before.
Mum was 'away' from the family for sometime when I was around 14.
Sis was working, and me studying.
So me and sis wasn't very close, was in the state of just-okay.
Hence, anytime the bomb blows off.
So when the both of us quarrel, that's it.
We go on individual ways.
Somehow, Mum knew we dislike what she'd been doing.
Shall not disclose what exactly happened to mum then, it's embarassing.
She decided to change job, till today, bus driver.
After changing job, situation at home slowly turned better.
And slowly, minor bickering improves the family.
Ta Dah, my family now.
I suppose I should be grateful to what I have.
It's a difficult mission - not to bother.
You're not even telling me who the girl is.
Usually you would even tell me the name, this time - nothing.
You're telling me, you ain't sure about it.
Thinking that you're only lonely.
Thanks for giving me this difficult mission.
Thank you very much.
Monday, January 26, 2009, 10:58 PM
Was having lots of thoughts last night before I could get myself into sleep. Was very tired, but still, the thoughts got me thinking.At work, everyone's backstabbing one another. For sure that I've seen that through. But if you don't gossip, you don't get on with life there. Gossiping seems to be the only way out. And definitely, when I step out of that place, there'll be people talking about me. I knew that. But yet, I shouldn't mind that, cause I'm also doing that.
It's Chinese New Year today. But yet, I don't feel anything. Those AngBaos of mine, didn't get me jumping anymore. Those New Year goodies didn't get me munching anymore. As requested, no steamboat at home this year, since obviously brother wouldn't be eating together, and sis and me would be working, taking turns to be absent. So no point right?
As always, I don't feel the bond of the family. My relatives. Didn't go for the reunion dinner on saturday as I was working. It was hilarious when I get to know what happened that night. Uncle almost fought with waiter(because he almost fell when waiter accidently kicked his chair), Big Aunt asked money back from cousin infront of the whole family. Hilarious isn't it? One big family, have such situations. And third Uncle still ain't really talking to small Uncle.
Went over yesterday after work. Was hiding in my Aunt's room when those relatives arrived. Simply because they annoys me. I find them irritating. As usual, cousin face black black. And why does it seems like no cousins is getting along with me in the family? And they only goes to my Sis. Let's just take it as age gap alright. So I was mixing around with the kids in the room. Trying to test them with some questions to tame them down. They got so excited when playing, till that face black black cousin came in to scold her girl. I was kind enough to try to teach them new skill of using their fingers to do multiplication. But it seems like, the Mum give me that face - unappreciative. Came home after that.
I went work as usual this morning. It was fucking boring there, I swear. Managed to pull through till 5 and headed home. Didn't go anywhere for visiting. I just so can't be bothered. Mum and Sis helped me collect Angbaos, not many, but still, I also don't care. I feel good not having to visit those aunties and uncles. So what if it's Chinese New Year, life's the same.
Afterall, what's that big Fuck about Chinese New Year? Spend bomb buying new clothes, yet I'm not wearing them, and I don't feel like it. Hopefully, I'm working on Chinese New Year for the rest of my life. I just don't enjoy Chinese New Year now. Nothing for me to look forward to, everythings's still the same. I don't believe in 'Huat lar' during CNY anyway. It seems like I don't follow those Chinese customs now. Whatever.
But one thing that is remarkable this year. Mum gave me $10 angbao. Rare chance.
Saturday, January 24, 2009, 11:24 PM
As I've been keeping history of my MSN chats, I've came to realised that I haven't been chatting with him for like less than a week, when I hit 12mn later, that'll make a week. It seems so long since we chatted, but it's only 6 days. Wow! When I used to not chatting for like months or maybe even up to a year. So how is it being compared to 6 days? I've got no idea. Maybe how I'm feeling is happening is because at those times, I don't see him online, so not chatting was fine, however, now that I'm seeing him online almost everyday, gives me the discomfort(is this the right word to use? I've got no idea).Alright, my blogging is gonna be so random these days. Because besides that mundane routine of me going work, come back sleep, it's all random.
Oh, I'm posted to Funan after CNY, SADDDDDDDD!!!
I'll be so rotting over there. Learn already so what, never put into practice.
Just now when I was on my way home, in the bus, I saw my pri school bestie's sister. I didn't see my bestie though. Her sister hasn't change after so long, still look the same, just a little taller. I miss that primary school bestie. I start to miss the times I had with those old school friends. Be it Primary or Secondary, though there are more unahppy moments than happy moments. But still there are happy moments to be remembered. I miss those friends of mine.
While watching the tv at the same time while I'm blogging, I've forgotten what I wanted to say. I'm having so many random thoughts, till I've got too many, and I'm getting confused.
I'm starting to have the feeling of 'Oh, I'm feeling old!' feeling. Yes! before you start fucking me right into my face, I know many of you are getting older, and I'm merely 17 going on 18. (: 2009 nov 29, I'm turning legal to buy alcoholic drinks. But I so don't feel like growing up can. When I'm younger than 16, I look forward to 16 for nc16, when I'm 17, I'm looking forward to 18 so that I can be legal in age to drink. So after 18? look forward to what(?) legal marriage? LOL.
Enough of all the fucking random stuff? Alright, I'm going to sleep. :D
Friday, January 23, 2009, 1:57 PM
Random
I'm so damn bloody bored now.That I've got no where to go, I'm ranting about my boredom here.
Random post I can say, I'll blog whatever that comes to my mind.
Today's Shirley and my baby cousin's birthday. One turned 18, the other 2. Shirley is having a birthday party tonight. Sad to say, I'm so unable to make it. Due to my dumb schedule. What a timing for today(?), 5-11. And asshole, told them to let me go home early on CNY eve, then they extend me time, 9-7. Fuck the damn Coffee Club.
I don't know where I got that damn flu from. Sick for the night, keep waking up, can't sleep. Took 2 times medication, it doesn't improve my condition at all. Because with the flu, I'm feeling so tired, so worn out. Many would say, 'take MC lar. Sick shouldn't go work.' But I really don't want to take MC just because of this dumb nose. I feel like sleeping again. Feeling sleepy. Maybe I'll take a nap before I leave for work later.
Off to watch TV now. Got Chef Phng from Canele! ((:
Thursday, January 22, 2009, 12:10 AM
Sweat the feelings,flavour with love,
season with actions,
you'll get a plate of couple.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009, 10:50 PM
Growing Up
It's pretty impoprtant for a teenager to learn,how to accept critism and not allowing themselves to agree with it.
I've face many critisms, insults, sacarsticisms and many others.
I do not know what you called them.
Ever since I've choosen the path of going into culinary skills,
there are people who are sacarstic to me.
There are people who looks down on me & very well much with critism.
Afterall, it's not an empty journey with Coffee Club either.
I've seen through how bootlicker people can turn into.
I've been insulted with regards to singaporean behavior.
Even my Mum had been insulted.
So what?
I've grumble so damn fucking much about it.
But I carried no action, till lately.
I fucking attitude at work.
I don't give a fucking damn about it.
All the words coming to my ears, are mostly negative.
Seldom I get positive.
Aiya, it's so common.
People tends to look things on the negative side before they decide on looking at your good.
So, I think one pretty good way I've adopted.
Simply listen then forget it.
Why waste your time getting sad over such things.
Might as well spend my time blogging like now.
OR one other way.
treat them how they treats you.
Only use the second method, when you know it'll work.
If not use the 1st one.
It's like a battle, you got 2 methods.
But you got to see which method suits your enermy better.
I'm here telling people:
I'm standing strong.
I won't fall so easily again.
I want to make my own stand,
I want to make my own decision,
I want to lead my own life.
I don't want to be the one who is so indecisive,
always getting so affected by what people say,
being so diao man ren xing by argueing unreasonably.
I'm not gonna argue over small matter.
You may think, I'm affected by what happened yesterday.
That's why till now I'm still talking about it.
I'm not.
Pen-ing it down, reminding myself.
I'm no longer the diao man ren xing de xiaomeimei anymore.
Monday, January 19, 2009, 1:00 AM
I'm SO HAPPY!Shopping makes me so happy.
Went for movie yesterday, watched Red Cliff 2.
Though I've yet to watch part 1, but still, I love this movie.
It's sooooooooo NICE!
Yesterday's shopping mostly is Fay buy things.
I bought Hp strap for Hp and PSP.
My 2nd Hp strap broke off, so I need to get a new one.
And oh yea, bought a new blusher.
This time round it's pink, and no more beige.
HOHO! So happy!
Just now after work, went shopping with classmate.
Was suppose to be 4 of us, but ended up only 2.
1 of them suddenly schedule changed, the other one, something crop up at home.
It was so disappointing that I didn't get my jeans from dorothy perkins.
MY BLACK JEANS! :(
The reason why I didn't get it was.
Alteration needs two fucking weeks.
So decided to drop the idea of even trying it on.
Headed down to bugis.
Went over to The Body Shop.
I got my facial stuffs.
Sponsered partially by mum and sis.
The shim was helpful.
She said that for my age, it's very common to have blemish.
So not to worry, and by the time i turn 21, my skin will improve alot.
That's still so far~
Anw, I got a facial mask & toner from there.
Hopefully it'll work.
Headed over to bugis street.
Friend got her top/bottom.
Then went down to this jeans shop where there's actually my size.
I don't like the jeans because of the material.
But I got their jeans skirts, thicker in material.
I bought 2 pieces at $58.
Though it isn't branded, but material is good, so why not?
Bargain with the auntie until we so tired.
But I'm still happy.
No jeans, wear skirt lor.
The Body Shop: $45
Bugis Street: $58
Exceed budget!!!!
But I'm still so HAPPY!
Anw, most likely I'm working on Chinese New Year 1st day.
I'm fine with it lar. Stay home also nothing to do.
If go over granny there, need see those relative.
Sian 1/2 already.
Don't want to see those people I don't like.
I going sleep already.
So late le.
Tml working at funan, 10-6pm.
:((
Wednesday, January 14, 2009, 11:51 PM
My days now are like flashes of film.Time passes so so fast.
Go work, 8hours finish, go home.
Total of 2hour travelling thro and fro,
that totals up to 10 hours gone.
1 hour makan dinner/lunch, 11 hours gone.
2-3 hours leisure, 13/14hours gone.
6-10hours sleep, one day gone!
I'm beginning to enjoy work.
A little more stable now.
At least I know what ingredients to take for what dishes.
And getting a little bond with the service staff over there.
Though sometimes they yaya papaya.
But what's more important is I enjoy.
HAHA, joke around with them.
And time just passes this way.
I'm enjoying work now.
I'm enjoying a place called the kitchen.
When it's hot like shit, busy like shit, blur like shit.
I still enjoy those moments.
Because that is when I know, the food being served is prepared by me, fully or partially.
Rush here rush there-Enjoyment.
I like those trill.
(:
Monday, January 12, 2009, 10:48 PM
It's glad to see that she actually heed my advice.She ended everything.
It was the end.
Is this the correct route?
I know, in less than 2 years time, this would be life that I would be leading. I know they're preparing me for it, so that I wouldn't get culture shock. I don't know, if this route I chose is right. I know it's dumb of me to think of this after I came so far. Fear not, I'll carry on.
This path of life, I chose it myself. I've got the responsibility to finish it. It's my interest, it gives me satisfaction when the food is being served out to the customers. I would greatly prefer if I could do my own cooking, invent my own style of cooking, have my own menu planned. I don't like it whereas I've got to follow deadly with things. For instance, Coffee Club. Everything follow SOP.
Maybe Amy's word 6months back hit the jackpot. Saying that I wouldn't be staying in the industry for long. Maybe my Sir's words hit the jackpot too, saying that I couldn't make it too. All this are 'maybe's only. So what if their words really hits the jackpot? At least I know I've tried going through this industry, experiencing this career. I would not regret.
If I didn't even tried this path, and went on to something I dislike, I wouldn't have known about this career I'm seeking now. At least I've tried, and if I really don't suits this career, I'll find something else.
And I really dislike sticking at one thing. I like challenges, I want to experience different things.
What a day.
It sucks today. Went to work in the morning at 9. Reached there early at 8.30, managers were late. Leading cook went on MC, so I ended up working 9am-9pm. I'm so tired. Last night couldn't sleep, I think I fell asleep only around maybe 1(?) and I woke up at 6.30am this morning to get ready to go work. Working today nothing much, kept slacking. But did alot of preparation work. Went over Novena to collect my payslip. Oh man, I only earn $40. :( got $10 voucher. I wanted use my Voucher to get drink, Mas said nevermind((: I miss them lar. I want go back Spinelli. Then went to buy Burger King back, fucking expensive. Thought no extra charges, so went to take cab. End up lehs, na bei, got ERP. Then sms sis, and each time she reply, my phone hang. Fuck. Then ok already, alighted cab. Didn't check the change he gave me. Until lift lobby I see, CB, he gave me the 10cents, is ringgit. WTF. What luck am I into sia.
Friday, January 2, 2009, 10:32 PM
I'm so going to rant about work. And seriously, I may be repeating what I've said many many times. Still, I finally understand how Singaporean guys feels when they go for their BMT. Though mine is peanuts as compared to theirs. Many of you may be wondering what have I been doing since the start of my school. Some of the people know that I'm at Coffee Club, but yet doesn't know what I'm really doing. Alright, here it goes.I'm so damn unhappy with this arrangement from my school, alright. Thinking that welfare would be well taken care of, but still. See, I don't have Public Holiday. I don't get off on Public Holiday or half day on the eve's. And I have to work 6days per week. For those at bigger restaurant I'm okay, simply because there's really more things to learn things there. But for me, I'm at this small kitchen. When customer order, I've just got to heat up the food. Yes, I know, they're simply trying to get us prepared before we go into the workforce.
Yes, I do get allowance, $8/day, which includes meal and transportation. I do get to claim my PH off. But we know nuts of how to do it. They only told us we could, but didn't mentioned how we do it. And because there's so much limit to whatever that I can learn at this bloody kitchen. It's more of memorising the expiry dates and the time to heat up the food. Nothing already. Only press microwave.
Put it in a simplier form. I go there, do the same thing everyday. After 8 hours, Bye, I go home. Call that a training? Damn it. Free-labour, don't get to learn much.
And I think spinelli would train better personnel. Seriously. Spinelli would make me follow the time exactly using timer, CC doesn't, all based on experience. Spinelli practices First In First Out more effective than CC. CC would simply just top up and things like that. But Spinelli? They would pour out everything, take out everything, wash it then top up, then put back the older ones. But CC let abit, they'll just top up. They don't wash. Now I know how much I learnt from Spinelli over that 1 month.
There's something that I personally dislike about CC, maybe in those Cat 2 outlet(small kitchen). I shall not say it here, because it'll spoil their reputation. So yar.
I finished ranting!
I miss my LIFE. And I mean LIFE. This shouldn't be a life of a student. I want to enjoy life of student. But I ain't. Sigh!
Thursday, January 1, 2009, 10:04 PM
An ordinary occupation,but different language spoken,
different race,
different gender.
Who understands this career?